A Page From My Diary

I stood alone in the balcony for an hour yesterday. The weather exactly suited my mood. The strong winds were hitting my face and making a mess of my forever tangled hair. I was lost. Today like so many other times before, I fought with my friends, yelling and shouting and all the commotion that I create just for attention I guess. Although I call this attention care. A shout that even I exist and think of me. As a friend I can be impossible to handle. My moods are dangerously erratic and to be frank irrritating. Yet I do care too for these same people whom I give such a hard time. I care for them beyond they can ever imagine. Why am I lost??? The answer to this is also with me but I'm too tired of not being able to work on this solution. I have to start respecting myself but I don't do that. I'm scared that Ill be left alone in this college, a stage I've experienced in my final yr in a new school and frankly I don't want that to happen again. People confuse me, my patience has exhausted and when I find people around me who take my tantrums I give them more and more of bullshit. Blaming others is like a hobby now and needing the attention of someone or the other 24*7 a desperate addiction. Its suprising that I should land up in such a position because there was once a time when my space and my novels were my precious assets. I could spend days at home without feeling an iota of boredom. When will I grow up?? When will this phase pass?? It's becoming more and more difficullt to handle myself.. PS: The above post is from my diary that I write regularly. Just felt like sharing this particular page with the reader's. This is not fiction.

MoMmy DaRlIng....

I guess this post has been pending since a very very long time. I've finally put pen to paper today because I realized how many things I want to say but are left untold to this very special person. She is my mum so I naturally respect her with all my heart and for her seniority and because of the plain fact that she gave birth to me. I've always been her favorite and close to her but it was in my late teens I saw my mum in a new light. She was an amazing individual with her values and the way she brought me up from treating me like a kid to repecting me and my needs as an adult. She walks on the thin line of a mother, gaurdian and a true pal. I know it for a fact that very few people share a bond the likes of which mum and me share. Mum has always been there.. strong, supportive.. a backbone.. I've still made my mistakes, broken her trust and I'm in many ways opposite to her, but she still respects my individuality. The best thing is that she loves my other two siblings just as much, or sometimes even more for the reason that they have not been with her for very long. I've taken a lot of time to write this particular post and its maybe because its the closest to my heart. The reason I'm finally posting it is because I fear it might get too late if I don't do it now. Plain simple three words that I've used frivolously for everyone but the person who mattered the most.. Mum... I LOVE YOU.. Always have and always will. I truly believe you have a right to be happy and free just like you gave us the option to be happy and free. In the end.. or a new beginning.. Your children will be with you.. N so will your best friend.. :) take care..

Yours Truly

I've often heard and read about people addicted to somethings in life that harm them but they are too dependent on them that it becomes their way of living.Then it might be as harmful stuff as drugs or alcohol or smoking or something like gambling or shopping. An addiction always causes the worst of effects. More often than not the addicted person realises it too late to make remedies for it. Few are lucky whose freinds and family help them get out of it and I've also met people who overcome addiction with their sheer will power.

Lets talk now of something different. I mean has anyone of you ever thought about addiction to people. Very often we name such stuff as unconditional love and devotion but here is a wake up call for all those who think they are emotionally attached but are actually addicted to that person. A close pal told me that friends are like parties and I never believed him. Turns out that what he spoke out of experience was the bitter truth which I was not mature enough to accept.

Friends teach you a lot but very few friends can be bluntly honest no matter how much you hate that.The common symptoms of addiction to a person is when you take all the emotional atrocities and degradations of that person in the name of attachment. Readers who by now are confusing this post to be about a girl guy relation are very much mistaken. This post applies to every relation in which only one party gives and the other person is a bully. All those parents who get abused by their bread winning kids and all the sisters who take being beaten up by brothers and all the wives who have no emotional happiness in their relation but are still not ready to fight for their self respect are addicted. Addicted to a way of life no matter how bad but atleast certain and are too broken to dare to break free. This post is for them. This post is also for all those people who know people suffering from this addiction yet refuse to recogonize and act.

I cry a lot for small little pains that I have to go through but as I write this blog I'm ashamed of how I exaggerate my problems. There is nothing more painful than to be broken down emotionally by one person and not being able to rise up for one's own self respect. Wake up people because this addiction is more heartrendingly disastorous than any other addiction because it kills a person's esteem and honour and will power. It also emotionally scares every one around that person and it is very hard to fight it because no medicine or therapy can cure a broken heart and a broken person.

To all those who happen to read this, look around and look inside you. Help yourself and help others to live with dignity and emotional freedom because no emotional slave has done any good in his or her life.

SEX!!!

I recently read about a girl who blogged about something related to this topic and truly speaking I was envious of her. I blog too.. Then what makes her blog more superior than mine?? Is it the topic she chooses to blog about or is it just her writing skills or is it something to do with her contacts with the right people??

So i chose to experiment..

Sex !! hmmm.. Why are we as a group shy to talk about it?? Is it to maintain the social decorum of the society or is it simply to avoid any uneasy questions that could be asked by us to our elders?

I have interacted with many kinds of people of my age group with such diverse views on this three letters of mystery and adventure. From the on screen kisses that embarrases few people to the new rage of the youth.. PDA.. Yup thats wat they call it.. Public Display of Affection. We have spoken about everything that is worth a discussion.. As Frued would have put it.. Every thing a human does is to attract or arouse the sexual desires of his opposite sex..

Most of my friends have no problem talking about it even with parents. Its not about what we talk, its about how we talk.. Is it possible to have a healthy conversation about this topic with your colleagues. I guess we can. We can share views and be open to new ideas. Sex as such is not bad unless one is not sure about what they really want. Topics like a live in relation and one night stands are often discussed among the youth. Frankly speaking it helps you to see what you want and what your personal views are about sex.

Personally I would like to hide my confusion about sex in the garb of orthodox outlook of my family. Most of us actually do that and get away with it. We are not confident enough to say no because we wish to say no, or as a matter of fact say yes if we feel like. What people like me have to understand is that what ever your answer is to this question, its correct as long as you own up and face the consequences.

I live in the world of fantasy of the novels. For me my perfect guy will sweep me off my feet and marry me and then we'll share the magical moment. It hardly sounds like a bold gals decision who chooses to discuss about sex on her blog. Yet it is what it is. This post goes out to all the gals who are scared to say no because they'll loose their boyfriends or infact to couples who get involved just to be accepted by their peers. The fruit is always sweet when it is given time to mature properly. The decision about when exactly a person is ready is a personal choice but no one, absolutely no one has a right to tell you that your decision is incorrect.

PS.. This blog is totally a personal view...

PAIN

Can pain be defined or described?

Any human with emotions can reply to this seemingly innocent question.. Pain is one thing which cannot be described in just one word, sentence or a dictionary meaning. Pain is when music starts hurting your soul. It is the silence of the one you love but can't understand. It's in the silent tears shed in the name of lost love. Each heart beat sends a seering pain through your body and you still have to smile your way through it.

It is the loss of expression, loss of the meaning of your life and it is loosing your sense of emotion. Pain is being told that you are not worth being loved. It is being unconditionally loved yet not being able to respond to that love. Pain is waiting for words which will never be spoken. Pain is emotions which will never be understood.Pain is loosing your best friend in the midst of your life when you needed him the most. Pain is not being able to explain or respond to your feelings. Pain is the burden of relations which you never desired. Pain is not understanding yourself. Pain is like a closed room with no light, no hope, no reality and no truth.

Pain is......... just is.......... Being Alive..........