Can I have a split personality? Can I be a double faced person who goes to a great length to keep everyone happy? Yup, I think I can do that. I can actually let go of the real me and be what you want me to be. or let me correct myself, I used to be that person who went to great pains and often lot of fights with my own conscience to be accepted by my peers. I was smiling but not happy from inside. I think my blogs reflected that very well.
Well, it could be argued that I am still the same and changing for the person I think is Mr Right. For once I have an answer for all those putting up this question to me and that is: "I don't need to answer to anyone of you." If I was thinking then I would have backed out long time back because I know for sure that it's not at all easy to walk on the path I am walking. It's not easy to let go of my inhibitions, face opposition and sarcasm and disbelief and still have the conviction to travel the right path. It's not east to talk about Waheguru in 2 months when you have kept these feelings hidden in your heart for 23 years.
It is also not easy to let go of your ego and learn as a kid, not easy to love someone and somehow him not believing you either. It's not that it is easy for the others as well. It is hard for others also to accept me and my talks about my true feelings. It is natural to feel I'm not the same. I don't blame anyone for the distrust or the raised eyebrows or the shock and surprise. I'm sure if I am blessed enough to follow my Guru, others will accept me eventually. Sometimes although I do tend to feel bad that a proof needs to be given to show my commitment but then I think its the only way I can move on.
All I think I am trying to tell is that I have a lot of things that I am going through and I wish people would just wait and let me be ready to take the plunge. Too many questions and too many doubts will not cloud my conviction and take me away from my Guru now, but it will sure take me aloof from you. If all of you love me then support me for taking this step and encourage me and if you can't then step back or you gonna loose me. I just can't handle the pressure and the questions and the disbeliefs and the learning and my ego and correcting it and being a kid and listening to smeone making soo much sense and realising the fact that I'm wortheless as of now. I can say one thing for sure..
Everything comes from a conscience effort, even reminding yourself to remember Waheguru takes a conscience effort till it becomes natural habit. I'm just in that phase wherein I know what is important and I'm making a conscience effort to make it a habit. If you are one of those who is ready to accept that fact then I do NOT care how you look or dress or laugh or eat. I just can't prove anything to anyone or make anyone except my Waheguru happy. If this thought upsets you then I'm sorry you'll probably be disappointed in me.
I don't know which category you fall in when you read this but just give me time and space and not ask too many questions.
I would really like to apologize.. coz I know this is a very hurtful post.
From: A yet to be born daughter of Guru Sahib...
Rabb rakha ji..
