A Page From My Diary

I stood alone in the balcony for an hour yesterday. The weather exactly suited my mood. The strong winds were hitting my face and making a mess of my forever tangled hair. I was lost. Today like so many other times before, I fought with my friends, yelling and shouting and all the commotion that I create just for attention I guess. Although I call this attention care. A shout that even I exist and think of me. As a friend I can be impossible to handle. My moods are dangerously erratic and to be frank irrritating. Yet I do care too for these same people whom I give such a hard time. I care for them beyond they can ever imagine. Why am I lost??? The answer to this is also with me but I'm too tired of not being able to work on this solution. I have to start respecting myself but I don't do that. I'm scared that Ill be left alone in this college, a stage I've experienced in my final yr in a new school and frankly I don't want that to happen again. People confuse me, my patience has exhausted and when I find people around me who take my tantrums I give them more and more of bullshit. Blaming others is like a hobby now and needing the attention of someone or the other 24*7 a desperate addiction. Its suprising that I should land up in such a position because there was once a time when my space and my novels were my precious assets. I could spend days at home without feeling an iota of boredom. When will I grow up?? When will this phase pass?? It's becoming more and more difficullt to handle myself.. PS: The above post is from my diary that I write regularly. Just felt like sharing this particular page with the reader's. This is not fiction.